By Dan Pool
In July, neuroscientists released a map of the brain showing nearly 100 previously unknown regions of what’s going on under the skull. Instead of one big blob in our heads, we have a bunch of smaller blobs that handle different thought processes, all squashed together.
According to a New York Times article, scientists used scanners to see which areas were active during which kinds of thoughts. They could identify how certain regions became “active during many different kinds of thought, ranging from decision-making to deception.”
I am not sure what regions the scientists are looking at, but here are a few I think they should devote their research for better understanding.
• Three Stooges Comedy Region: Based on my independent research, most males have a fairly prominent area that gets extremely active when Larry, Moe and Curly start gouging each other’s eyes and putting hot irons on whichever Stooge bends over. But, conversely, my research shows that women who are married to the aforementioned subjects have a corresponding area that negatively reacts during Three Stooges films.
• The Hair/Kardashian Revulsion Area – Scientists will undoubtedly discover that almost everyone has a very large chunk of our grey matter that produces instant disgust when we encounter a strange hair in any food we are eating. Even the most slobbish person immediately recoils when they find a strand of hair in a milkshake they already drank most of.
But my theory is in about half the population, the Kardashian family, including Bruce Jenner or whatever his name is now, produces the exact same reaction. The hair and Kardashian revulsion zone must be linked.
• Sports Relaxation Zone – Some people immediately have a deep sense of well-being and calm when sporting events are being shown on television. I predict this brain area naturally attaches to others that crave beer and fried pork skins. Other people, however react harshly to the effects produced in this region, offering that people blessed with abnormally large sports relaxation brain areas, should mow the grass or walk the dogs or get in bed earlier.
• Posterior Perception Region – This area conflicts with the vision and spatial recognition abilities in many people, typically females, that gives them a distorted perception of the proportion of different body areas, so they are unable to determine whether their butt looks big or not. Most males, conversely, lack this zone entirely and regardless of what the mirror shows believe “that looks damn good.”
• 15-Minute Lapse Region – It is my theory that some people have a brain region that automatically stalls for about 15 minutes whenever they hear any phrase like “almost time to go,” thus producing subjects who have no control over their tardiness – despite the fact they were told an hour ago to get ready.
• Eye-roll Lethargy Region – Particularly with younger subjects, there must be a bona-fide section of the mind that causes the subject to become listless and roll their eyes when anyone suggests something that might be beneficial, fun or they might find interesting.
I hope my suggestions to the world of neuroscience will be given the respect they deserve as all the topics above have important implications for the future of our species.